The Fifth Secret

 

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Hope use are enjoying the secrets as much as I am telling them… Its hard for me, I might type as if it isn’t. But it truly is. These secrets i’ve never told anyone. Well at least a couple of them, the more touching ones , its literally the first time I have opened my mouth… Scratch that, typed it . It feel nice you know, to let it all out. Ive been lonely for a while, its sad sometimes. I’m so young and just sometimes need someone to care you know?

Anyways enough of the soppiness… Back onto the next secret.

Now the reason why on the fourth secret I said that was the beginning of the nightmare, is because it leads to this secret and the following 3…

Well from being a squatter for a while. Feeling lonely , I eventually met a guy. A nice , well at least at first. He made me laugh, get them butterflies, use know what I’m talking about surely. He was that prince charming at the right moment I suppose. Me being young and naïve, I fell in love…

Everything was so quick, one day we re friends getting to know each other more and more. Next minute we re living together . Literally was within a month. Right move at the time. Now before I get judged. I was lonely. Everyone I had ever loved abandoned me. By the age of 14 I was depending on myself. Nobody fed me, looked after me, nothing. When he came along I felt that finally someone loves me. Its hard to explain when you look at yourself now and think what the hell was you thinking.

So we moved in together. Everything wasn’t lovely, we suffered a lot. Barely made a without starving or being cold and wet from sleeping in shitty places where the rain could get through.

But we had each other. That was enough I suppose at least at the time. I was in love and he seemed like he was on the same page as me …

Keep reading my secrets people , you will understand why this secret is the start of a huge nightmare…

I guess that’s it, falling in love is another secret…

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The Fourth Secret

2000px-Kraak-logo.svgBloggers this next secret is basically the beginning of a nightmare that will be spoken in my next secret and throughout…

Well after being abused twice, and becoming abandoned, and stealing… I decided to look for a place to live that I could actually afford. Well I couldn’t afford anything so this place had to be FREE!!! And it was actually possible. I had a few friends who were squatters. Now for those of you who have no idea what I’m on about , its very simple. You break into a place that has been abandoned and you call it home. Nobody can kick you out after 5 years of being there. I know this sounds insane but its true. I did it, and millions of people my age still do it today…

Me and my best friend at that time found an old pub and broke into it. I remember it being so dusty and dark you were practically breathing it. The windows were taped with black tape so you couldn’t see the outside. It was pitch black. I remember my best friends exact words , Its better than being out on the streets. Well she was definitely right. So we pulled ourselves together started cleaning up the place took us weeks and weeks.

Once we had finally finished , it was better than a home. Honestly guys it was unbelievable. But truly was something. She hung up her family pictures, I hung up mine. We bought Buddha statues and Holy crosses. We definitely needed some faith at this point. We squatted just the two of us for about 1 year, 2. Then we started getting kids who were homeless in with us. We felt good about you know?

We stayed up till early hours in the morning, trance parties, reggae parties, it was the best time ever considering the struggles we had. But we did it and I don’t feel ashamed of it. At all . You do what you can to survive and theres no time to be picky or to act like someone your not. You just gotta do it and get on with it…

Yep. I was a squatter for ages.

I guess that’s another secret….

The Third Secret

Screenshot_20180829-234752Hope the secrets are keeping you on your toes. Still got a few coming along.

Now this next secret isnt really as ‘secret secret’ i mean some people new and know but others just have nooo idea…

So after that episode during summer. Couple of months later my parents split up. I know bullshit right. The whole we will stand together forever till death due us part. Just aint real. So yeah they seperated not officially but my dad came back to london and we stayed there. He kinda left without a notice but thats cool i got over it i think. One day my mum just took my little sister and moved out too with her ‘out of nowhere’ boyfriend. I hate him by the way. Hes like a mixture of … cant even think of anyone thats how bad it is. So yeah i was left by myself at the age of 14 coming up to 15 in a house. Abandoned. Ermm what can i say about that. I love my mum too bits shes my best friend but some things just stick with you, you know.

Anyways im in this big house by myself, by this time ive dropped out of school had no money which leads to no electricty and no food. With all of this said… i turned into the biggest thief known in the area…

I aint proud but i had no choice. I would steal everything. Food. Clothes. Money. Eventually it got so easy and addictive , it was like my job. I mean i had to survive right? Dont know if that makes a difference to what people might think about me but it was either that or starvation and loneliness…

Well to be fair. Loneliness was always there. Especially when it got dark. Im scared of big houses and having the lights off. It got that bad 😐

You know when everyone turns their back on you and the secrets ive told till now. You do end up giving up. Not talking about suicidal or nothing like that. Im talking about i had moments where i would sit on this huge wooden chair i remember everytime i moved an inch it would creek. It was so annoying. I would sit on it and just not think about anything. Anything at all. Then i would get flashbacks and thats when the anger would kick in i guess…

People have been through worse i know. But i guess im just putting out my story…

I guess this is another secret…

The Second Secret

Whoever read the first. If anyone is actually reading this. Its crazy aint it how so much goes on and nobody seems to pay attention. I mean that happened next door to my parents. Crazy… to anyone who has been through any sexual abuse know that you aint alone. Eventually it gets easier to forget. But the key is to simply move forward. I did . You can too.

Anywayss moving on …

So like i was sayin we moved to portugal. Was a nightmare hated it . You know when you feel like you dont belong. That crazy stomach feeling and anxiety and just always nervous. It was insane i had so many emotions going on at once. But its possible i guess.

Well after a while it got better you know i was making friends having crushes. It got great. Untill i decided to get a summer job…

It was a bar. But not any bar. A vintage one. All expensive and you know wealthy people i suppose. I was 14 at this point….one of my friends from school she introduced me to the bar owner which was her dad surprisingly. I got the job parents werent very happy but i felt good.

Well it soon turned into another secret…

My boss was a 30 something year old man very skinny had a weird baby face but not in a good way. He was like awkward looking. He was real nice new my parents were very strict so gave me more hours here and there to keep me out the house. We would laugh alot. He actaully owned a bar and two summer bars. So there were chairs and tables outside on a patio. Really nice environment if your into peace and love kind of thing. Which i definitely was. I started smoking weed and having dreadlocks by the age of 13. Guess i was rebelling if you wanna call it something….

Anyways he started giving me more and more responsibilities i was hardly working at a point ,was managing the bills and counting paychecks. At 14. I didnt find it weird you know you never expect certain sitiations.

But i soon changed my mind…

As he walked passed me he would grab my bum or lean against me. I just thought i was getting in over my head. Like i thought my ego was getting to big and it was just all happening in my mind.

But then it started to get to me…

He would ask awkward questions. If i would ever be with a 30 year old man. Or if i found him attractive. It was insane. Honestly i thought i was the problem. Did i wear unapropriate clothes? Did i smile a certain way? Laugh a certain way? You know.

It went on and on till i decided to quit as i was gonna start school anyways… he told me to meet him at his house so he could pay me. But what happens next i thought would never ever happen to me…

As i walked in he went upstairs i sat on the couch waiting. He came down with an envelope full of cash and instead of handing it to me. He sat on me. Now remember i am 14. I am tiny and harmless and just working to save some money for school. He is 30. He literally sat on me like a baby. As if it was just a normal thing. He tried to kiss me and kept saying you only get this opportunity once. Wow…

He actually named it an opportunity. What the hell!!! I said my mums outside waiting which she wasnt. Asked for my paycheck and left….

That was the last time i heard or saw of him. Once again i didnt tell anyone untill i finally told my mum and he was contacted by the police.

Its crazy. First my brother. Then my boss. Things were looking great for me. Its disgusting how people take advantage and it happens so naturally and so quickly you think your the mad one. Well you aint. Their perverts and disgusting and … dont even know what else to call them …

Well thats another secret i guess….

 

The First Secret

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Wow. Here i am actually writing a blog , you know, sharing my story, getting other people to listen and to avoid making the mistakes i did. Hopefully it will change peoples lives. Anyways, i am a 22 year old girl with a beautiful 2 year old. Just turned 2 actually. Crazy how time flies within a blink of an eye.

But lets just start from the beginning.

In 2010, my parents decided we (me and my little sister) should go back home. Portugal. To be fair i hated the idea leaving everything behind and starting this new life in a new country new school. I was 14 at the time so i had no choice but to go. Our family was always together. I mean i have an older brother. Hes 32, i think ,im terrible with ages so… anyways he ran away from home when i was about 10. Now ive always loved my brother. I mean hes my blood, we have different dads, but ive always loved him.

Sometimes the only problem is one may love too much which leads to stupid decisions and disappointment .Dont even think there is any excuse. I was only 10 you know. I remember i used to get flashbacks. Still do today. Flashbacks of everything. The voice. The touch. The…

Im guessing if anyone is reading this you know what im about to say. Yes. Your right. I remember being just about 10 and my older ‘lovely’ brother would ask me to sleep in his room. Take my hand and use it as he pleased. In 22 years. This is the first time i have told this , i dunno. Dont wanna ruin the whole ‘perfect’ family mojo i guess.

Lets just say the day he ran away. I thanked God every single day for making him dissapear. Protect your little sister , watch out for her. Guess he took his role very seriously.

Crazy how you would think the only people that can never hurt you are the ones related. Or the ones who you grow up with. Just not true. Anybody in this world can destroy you in seconds. Minutes. Hours. Years. People. People are people. Dad. Mum. Cousin. Sister . Just labels. Truth is we are all just people.

I guess thats the secret …